Hello my name is Sid but some call me Seamy Sid and I?d like to tell you about my Phuket. The Phuket you don?t read about in the brochures, the Phuket that you see in the sois during the days, in the hotels at nights and the hospitals in the mornings.

Mine is a dark Phuket, a scary Phuket, a sexy Phuket but it?s my Phuket. Come join me as I take you down the Sois and introduce you to some characters that have made my eleven
years in Thailand such a memorable experience.

Place your feet in my shoes as we take a walk down my memory lane. You don?t have to agree with me or even like me, but please recognise me.

I am the person you bump into at the bar, the chap you nod at in Tesco, I am the old man with the young girl, I am the man with the beer vest and socks with sandals on, I am the man that disgusts you but who you secretely want to be. I am the man that stares back at you in the mirror, for there?s a little bit of Seamy Sid in all of us. My name is Sid, but some call me Seamy Sid, but that?s not quite it.

Here?s how I came to be a victim of what I like to call The Cha-Am Switch Scam.

One weekend I decided it was time to go see some old friends and do a bit of volunteering. So I drove up through Thailand stopping for an adventure or three on the way.

I had decided that my first stop on the way to Bangkok was to be Cha Am. Although I like to avoid large cities and their highways and byways, I also needed to stop for some rest and relaxation... and whatever else I could find.

I have been visiting Cha Am for more than nine years. On this occasion however, not wanting to be treated like a farang fresh from the old country, I shirked the touristy spots and turned into a small side street to park.

I got out of the car and noticed a bar set up for westerners. The Thai owner was married to a guy from my birth country and had me down for a loser. As I was a newbie I was given high-priced beer. I ordered some food and a Chang, There was a pool table and a group of bar girls, so I asked them if any of them would like to play with me. I said I would buy a drink.

The prettiest of them all detached herself and came over. She was about twenty but, as she was Thai, looked much younger (yes I know what you think).

?Do you play?? I asked.

?A little,? she replied. I told her I would teach her, I set the table and showed her how to break. She was awesome; so soft and undemanding. She had been to university in Bangkok, had a boyfriend, became pregnant, he had left, she?d had the baby boy and left him with her mother and then come to work here.

I asked her if she was hungry and she said she was. I paid the bill for the drinks and the bar fine. I was warming to her and found out her name was Noi. She said that she hadn?t been with a customer before but she liked me.

We had a bottle of wine, I was happy, she was so charming. I had found a friend. Was she the one? Then she said, ?I can sleep with you.?

At that point I had still not checked in anywhere. Noi suggested that I stay in a hotel across the street, a place she said was cheap and clean. I went to see and the place was indeed as Noi had described it; very clean and cheap - 500 baht a night.

?You can bring your friend for no charge.? the owner of the hotel said in perfect English.

I replied that I had still not decided. I paid him the money and he gave me a key. I crossed back over the road and Noi ran over to me and at that precise moment I had decided. I asked her if she?d like to come with me. She said she would need to have a shower and get some clothes.

?OK? I said, ?I?ll wait for you here.? She told me no, that she would come to me in my room. She leaned up and brushed my lips. I floated out after giving a good tip to the ?mamma san.?

I showered, settled down, got up, checked and shaved again. I laid on the bed and watched TV but after about an hour there was still no Noi. I looked out of the window and could not see her in the bar. So I dressed and went back. The girls asked if I wanted a drink.
?No, I want Noi? I replied. ?She?s upstairs,? they said ?She?ll come soon. Have a drink.? So I did and then left frustrated and dissapointed.

I slept a little then heard a soft knock on the door. I heard someone come in and lay on the bed. I was so excited, I rolled over and opened my eyes.

It was not Noi! It was another older woman from the bar. ?Noi has a problem with her momma. You sleep with me instead OK? Pay me in the morning.?

What a dilemma. ?I want to sleep,? I said. She sat up in bed and said loudly ?You not want me?? I could see that this could be trouble. So I said I had drunk too much and did not want boom boom. ?I do? she said. So I compromised and insisted that we talk first.
In the morning Noi was nowhere to be seen. I asked my partner of the night where Noi had gone. ?She always goes to her boyfriend when the bar closes. We sleep with many men who want her, it?s good for us that she works here.?

She asked me if I could pay her now. I paid.

I left and went to find something to eat on my way north, but did not go back to the bar. Of all the sois, I had to fall in love with a girl called Noi. How many others had done the same, only to find a different woman in their arms by the end of the night?

If you have a seamy story that you need to get off your chest or something that happened to a ?friend? of yours, please email: editor@phuket-post.com