I retired early, but soon found life to be insufferably boring. So I headed overseas to become a volunteer and eventually found myself in Thailand working for various aid organisations.

I settled in Phuket and built a house and gardens. This took a good chunk of time but I learned skills from the workers, and in turn taught them some of mine (nothing Seamy!.

When the tsunami struck Phuket, I found that I was needed again and for the first in a long time felt as such. I was always busy. I decided to head north to link with Thai development agencies and offer my services. I was invited by two to come and see how they worked to help the hill tribes and nomadic people around Thailand?s borders.

In the interim I had recruited a guide from the red light district of Chiangmai. (Wait, wait, wait) This was only because I had failed to find one through the local media.

I had walked down Sin street, and had asked at every bar, ?Can anyone speak English and help me travel north? 500 baht a day, no sex.?

I found a young university grad called Nee who said she would do it, ?but I won?t sleep with you? she stipulated. She was one of the sexiest girls I had ever met, and proved to be a most able translator.

On the way north from Chiangmai she told me her life story. She had been a teacher, met a foreigner, fallen in love and was devastated to discover that he was unfaithful, he suddenly [as often happens in Thailand,] thought being with such an attractive girl that he was in fact god?s gift to women.

So she stopped everything and went to work in a bar where she could drink for free. ?I will change you? I thought as we were travelling north.

We stopped off on the way north many times and visited elephant camps, waterfalls and gardens.

In a town called Fang we stopped for food and spent the night in a hotel. Nee said she would need some clothes for the next day. ?Here we go,? I thought. During the search, I saw a beautiful dress. I knew it would match her hair and cling to her in all the right places and swing as she walked so I paid for the dress, some shoes and a bottle of gin... well you never know, do you?

Nee wanted to go out that night, she had been told by the maid that there was a nightclub in Fang. I wasn?t keen, it was a long way and I had all I needed right there.

But I relented and we left. When we got there, there were no other foreigners and by the looks of the locals there never were. After a short time, I noticed many of the young Thai men ogling Nee. I was sat on a bar stool and Nee was right in front, dancing to the throbbing beat and touching my body.

I began to get a little self conscious because a small crowd of young and old men had collected to watch her.

I pretended that this was normal. One man came up and offered to buy me a drink. ?You have the best woman in the club, is she your girl friend?? he asked.

?No, she is my guide.? I replied. ?You?re a lucky man,? he said and I thought ?yeah I am and hopefully after a few more local cocktails I can become luckier.? But in order to do so I decided to part Nee from her fan club.

Back at out room it was apparent to me that Nee was drunk. She slumped on the bed, long hair falling over her face and covered her breasts. I had a gin and tonic and watched her breathe.

I took off her shoes but decided to leave her dress on, I considered undoing her bra, so it was comfortable and loose but thought that she might not understand when she awoke. (You?re probably right Sid - editor)

I felt like top dog having Nee in my room and slept with a smile on my face wishing that I could hold her.

We crossed the river in the morning. Nee said that we could take a boat from here to Chiang Rai and liase with the People Development Association of Thailand (PDA), visit the hill tribes and meet her family. Perfect. So off we went.

When we got to Nee?s house which was near the Laos border, I discovered that her parents were quite well-to-do and were teachers. One afternoon, we all went up the hills and I gazed in wonder at the strawberry fields.

Nee?s parents adored her and after they had got used to my presence they asked if I would like to help in one of the schools. They also asked if I could get Nee to help, perhaps overestimating my influence in her life.

During the nights, I slept in her parent?s house while Nee slept elsewhere but couldn?t help wishing that she would come to me in the middle of the night like had happened in the last trip north I had taken.

In a similar scenario, I had accompanied a young woman to visit her parents who had also been quite persistent that she would sleep alone, but had crept into my bed an hour later and stayed all night. It was never mentioned. In this trip however, it was not to happen.

The next day I was almost killed. We discovered a working camp of approximately 250 men, women and children who had been in captivity for four years, as illegal immigrants. We were chased and shot at and I lost my camera in a river that we had to swim across to escape. Nee pulled me from the river, and led me along childhood pathways she had known.
What remains most vivid in my mind however, is my own stupidity in how I let my seaminess get in the way of my happiness.

When our adventure had finished and I was getting ready to leave, she looked at me and asked, ?Will you be my friend?? I replied that if she is my girlfriend then I would be. She said, ?Do you mean sex?? and I nodded. She looked so sad.

How stupid I was to turn down the offer of friendship over sex (or the lack of it).
Nee now works for the United Nations.

If you have a seamy story that you need to get off your chest or something that happened to a ?friend? of yours, please email: editor@phuket-post.com